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I’ve been stocking our freezer. It’s one of the little rituals I find myself doing when life gets uncertain- I freezer stockpiled before 2020 made it cool. It’s comforting to have all those meals ready to grab and go. It’s also a little sad to see those pathetic attempts at control all lined up in sharpie-labeled gallon ziplocks. This current push to stockpile came from news that there was possibly a fifth child who could be heading to our family. Possibly. Maybe but we weren’t sure. But if XYZ happened, it was a definite (maybe). Fostercare is fun like that. Honestly, six years of living with some level of limbo and uncertainty are wearing me out.  This (possible) (probable) (within the realm of possibility) news set us in a tailspin. I battled over here with the Lord. It was a hard fight. It brought up all my limping wounds from foster griefs in years gone by. It brought up all my stress and feelings of inadequacy. It made me take stock of my day-to-day in a different way and tri...

Tonight, T and I read the story of blind Bartimaeus in her story Bible . She kept pointing to the picture and saying, “He’s screaming! He’s screaming!”... which does give some insight on a common behavior issue for miss T.  😂 “No, he’s not screaming. He’s shouting, ‘Jesus, help me! Jesus, help me!’ Do you think Jesus will help him?” She looked at me and very solemnly nodded yes. She had no doubt Jesus would help him. Why? She hadn’t heard this story before. She doesn’t yet know Jesus. I’m not even sure how much she understands with her limited two-year-old speech. But yes- she was sure. Why? Because she knows what it is to be loved. And when she cries for help, someone helps her. She doesn’t know Jesus yet or understand His love, but she knows us. She knows she is loved and safe and someone comes when she cries for help. Parents of young children, these years are hard. Little ones are so sweet and say funny things and look precious in pictures, but these years are hard. I hear you...

We pulled out the Christmas tree today- it’s time for the annual work of decking the halls. If I’m honest, it feels like a hassle sometimes. Dragging a fake tree up from the basement and finding burned out lightbulbs and covering it with shiny objects our toddler can’t touch... why???? But it’s worth it. And not just for the beauty of ol’ tannenbaum or to have a nice place to put the presents.  Celebrating Christmas is worth it because the incarnation is such astonishingly good news! Jesus really did come. He really did become human. He really did walk among us and die for us so His Spirit could live in us! And that news is worth at least putting some effort into marking the season with beauty. This week my mom and I were talking about what it means to adorn the gospel. To hold the gospel up to the light, so to speak, and let it sparkle. Jesus coming to save us is remarkable news and my fake evergreen definitely doesn’t make it more so- but my effort (done in the ri...

This is one of those pictures that captures such a poignant moment in time, far beyond what you see in the image. Three years ago, my husband and I were at a pumpkin farm with our family. And we were having fun. He was pushing me as fast as he could around the pushcart track and it was ridiculous and it made me laugh and still does. This also was a momentous day. We went to that pumpkin farm specifically to meet two children who needed a forever family. It had started that July. We had seen their picture. They were far outside of our “age range” we had told the county we would consider taking, and there were two (not the one we thought we could handle), but we had prayed and both had felt stirred to look into their case. I pulled up the email thread this morning - 49 emails back and forth with our worker over three months. So. Much. Waiting. We were waiting for information and for next steps with the county - and the kids were waiting. These kids who had experienced loss after loss...

This morning I encountered a comment about foster care and adoption and biological families that I had not yet heard. “I don’t know how they could do that to their children. I guess they’re just a different kind of people than we are – they just have no conscience.“ This is so very very untrue on several levels. Biological parents of these children are no different than we are. I mean this in two ways-first, the majority of the parents we have encountered in foster care truly do love their children. This sweeping assumption that they don’t love their kids is simply not true, nor is the assumption that the babies we have cared for have been abandoned or unwanted. Second, these parents have made a series of terrible and damaging choices that have crippled their ability to care for their children or even for themselves. And yes, the human conscience can be utterly seared and numbed by patterns of sin. But that does not mean that they are “a different kind person“ than me. We did not f...

TE had back-to-back specialty appointments today. Thankfully they were in the same building. But 2+ hours is a long time - a really long time - for a toddler in waiting rooms and exam rooms. Let’s just say we made our presence known. We arrived at the second appointment, which I was totally (naively) expecting to be super fast. We had one major meltdown in the first exam room, got it together, and the nurse came back to take us to the second room for the exam with the doctor. Well, that’s what I thought. She was there to dilate T’s eyes after which we would go to a dark waiting room for a half hour. Oh a half hour in a dark room with an already tired and cranky toddler? Super great. This is great. What did I have in the diaper bag for such a time as this? I had diapers. And wipes. And a cup she had already drained dry. Two other moms were there with their children, who I have to say were intimidatingly quiet. The selection of books in this dark waiting room was sad. After t...

On Monday our dreams came true. After nearly twenty years of talking and dreaming of adoption with my husband, after a five year fostering journey full of plot twists and joy and grief, after a year of riding a crazy ride of a case including such clear leading from the Lord and reassurance that she is our daughter and unexpected complications and even hiring a private attorney to fight for her   and nothing (NOTHING) seeming to go as planned... The gavel dropped. And it was done. People keep asking me how I feel. How do I feel? I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for five years holding on for dear life as this roller coaster ride threatened to tear me apart. I feel like if I really sit down and think about it all I might cry for three days out of relief and joy. But right now I’m still holding my breath out of habit. I told my big kids tonight how I was feeling- and oddly enough they get it even more than any adult I’ve talked to. They’ve walked it. “It’s like you fo...

Today our church family was challenged with the role of lament in our lives. We live in a Christian culture that doesn’t want to sit in the hard and uncomfortable reality of our broken world. The symphony of sadness that blends together both the rock-solid truth of Jesus’ triumph and power and ability and presence along with confusion and real questions and the struggle of living in the “now but n ot yet” state of the Kingdom. We don’t lament well. This afternoon we met Wonder Girl’s biological siblings for the first time. They were so sweet. NP played tag and talked football and we splashed in puddles while the sky dumped unbelievable amounts of rain down around the pavilion we sheltered under. The puddles became streams and then standing water covering our feet. It seemed like a fitting juxtaposition on what we hoped would be a beautiful sunny day. This is one of the sides of fostercare and adoption that nothing truly prepares you for. These children that have gone through all th...

Wandering through the science museum I catch my reflection. I’m surrounded by spinning spheres and flashing lights and sound experiments and I remember the mirror reflection of this exact week last year. In this exact place. Evidently we have a predictable pattern just like this mirror on the wall. I stood in this spot and talked to our social worker. I told her we were angry. Frustrated. Feelin g used. Baby Bear had been moved from our home with less than 2 hours notice the week before- I fought for that 2 hours. Bear’s worker had wanted to come in 30 minutes. I remember pacing through this dizzying place telling our worker how tired we were of this pattern of feeling used and overlooked by the county. OUR biological children were vulnerable too. OUR children were accumulating trauma and loss from the county’s repeated disregard. And I wanted to be done. Looking in this reflection I think of how broken and used my heart felt. And now I think of the story God is weaving one year la...

We've had so many rushed goodbyes in foster care. Scrambling to write letters and print pictures and get a new Jesus Storybook Bible to send with our little ones as one last way to tell them how deeply loved they were from day one, that we will pray for them as they grow, and that our deepest prayer is that they come to know our good King Jesus.  Today the tables are turned. Yesterday we scrambled to find a Bible and write a letter and print a picture- but it was for Wonder Girl's bio father's "goodbye visit." In this day of heartbreak it is all we can do- one way to tell him how deeply loved his daughter has been from day one, that we will pray for him as we watch her grow, and that our deepest prayer is that he find freedom and wholeness in our good King.  There is beauty and brokenness in foster care and adoption. After surrendering his right to fight the motion for permanent custody, her bio dad told us through tears at court yesterday, ...

You are not crazy. This system is legit crazy. I know this feels like war. It is. But the people involved are not your enemy. Our battle is not against flesh and blood. Do not lose sight of that and try to fight against ones who will bleed from the war just like you do. I know this feels out of control. It is not. Our God is the sovereign One who sits enthroned above the earth. Your times, her  times, are in His hands. Rest in His sovereignty and His goodness and His grace. When you rest, you can laugh, you can enjoy the good gifts your Father has given today. Gifts like holding her, right now. Feel the weight of her in your arms. She is a gift. The way she looks at you, the way she trusts you, look to Him and trust Him like that. I know this feels too much for you. It is. He did not design you to carry this weight alone. Do not try to make yourself seem bigger than you are- just rest in His bigness. Take one step at a time, knowing He is walking beside you and the mountains tr...

Yesterday I sat in a courthouse with friends as they celebrated the finalization of their adoption. The journey has not been easy, and that sealed certificate does not mean smooth sailing from here. But God is good and trustworthy and is writing a beautiful story of redemption in their family. He is big enough for this. Today we sat in a different courtroom and wanted to scream as the system see med to fail our foster love yet again. The system. The system is not a person who has wronged her. The system is a broken collection of human beings- forgetful, distracted, budget-constrained, doing-as-they-were-told people who sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture but rarely is it malicious. The system is not a person. But the system is broken. This week I’ve been thinking about how often people come to us and express that they are considering being foster parents. Should I tell them the truth? The truth, my friends, is that adoption is not charity- it is war. (Quoted from Russell Moor...

As I read Matthew 2, this particular aspect of the Christmas story- one that never gets much attention during the beauty of our Christmas celebrations- jumped off the page this morning. In the middle of the wonder of the Christ-child’s long awaited coming, in the middle of magi traveling from afar to present lavish gifts and worship to this child-King, Herod is senselessly slaughtering children in   his fury. If there’s something I’ve seen vividly in foster care, it’s that Jesus loves little children - and the enemy hates them. You cannot enter in to a ministry of loving and caring for vulnerable ones without being roughed up in the fight. It feels senseless. And evil. Because it is. But Jesus still came. He comes to us. He came into the midst of this brokenness. He is still redeeming and restoring and His presence is all the more wonderful because our world is so very broken. Jesus, we are aching in the midst of this broken evil system today. But we know You are good. Y...

If our rocking chair had a odometer attached, I wonder what it would read. How many miles I have rocked on this emotional marathon of parenting and foster care. Tonight I sat back in it's familiar soft embrace, with a little girl who is spunky and scrappy and has stolen my heart. She moved in last Sunday. We pray she will be ours forever. She snuggled against me wrapped up in her blanket, drinking her evening bottle with heavy eyes. Jesus loves me, this I know  For the Bible tells me so. My mind wanders as I sing the familiar words. I think about all the babies I have loved and rocked in this chair. I think about the ones we loved fiercely and grieved their leaving so deeply it felt like a death. A private, uncomfortable grief that no one quite knows how to comfort you through. I miss them, our five boys - their absence weighs on me still. I start to count the years and wonder if little D is in preschool this year. Did he have his first day of school? How did it go? W...

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series  here .  “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.” Psalm 139:13 There are a lot of odd things that people say without thinking. Can I share the #1 way to get on my very last nerve as I snuggle a tiny infant who grew in his mother’s womb? The very worst thing to say? “What number is he? Oh these moms that just keep having babies.” ALL THE FEELINGS! This tiny human that I am holding? He is NOT a problem. He is a miracle. He was woven together by God Himself. God’s eyes saw his unformed body. Every day of his life was planned out before he had lived one of them. He is NOT a problem. He is a gift. A miracle. Every one of our birth moms we have worked with has been a mess- this is why her baby (and usually older children) have ended up being...

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series  here .  “Even if” prayers are hard. In 2016 NP and I ventured further into the unknown. We had been foster parents for two years, and had had three babies placed with us at that time. Three babies we had loved and hoped for and grieved hard goodbyes. And then suddenly, God steered us down a path of adoption for an older sibling pair who had been in care for years. Their story gripped us, and while the county dragged the process along for months and months before we had even met them, God continued to confirm this was what He wanted us to do. Months went by as the agency weeded out dozens of potential families for L&P. We felt like we were being strung along- like this was some crazy adoption version of the bachelor. We met them. We loved them. We bought bunk beds. And ...

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series  here .  I’m convinced God created sheep for the sole purpose of showing us what we are like. He explicitly tells us we are like sheep, that He is the Good Shepherd. Sheep are not smart animals. They are incredibly vulnerable and dependent. They cannot survive on their own. Today I drove past a farm and saw a little lamb perched on the end of a log, looking scared and unsure how to get down. I feel you, fluffy friend- my heart identifies with you on multiple levels. Yet shepherds often have a deep affection for the sheep they care for. These helpless creatures form a relational bond. How comforting it is that God is our Good Shepherd. That He sees us in our need. That He inexplicably loves us so deeply. That He sees me stuck on the end of a log and lovingly carries me down....

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series  here .  "O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore.” Psalm 131:1-3 I love the imagery in this psalm. A child at rest, simply seeking the comfort of his mother’s presence- not what she can give or provide, just her presence. Today we had the true delight of attending an adoption hearing for our dear friends. It was beautiful. Not the court hearing itself- it actually felt anticlimactic after the long journey they’ve been on, the tireless fighting for their son. But the declaration of his status as t...

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series here .  “His lightnings light up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth.” Psalm 97:4-5 That is our God. Speaking the world into existence. Calling each star by name. His very creation trembles and melts before Him. Not only that... “...his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead...” Ephesians 1:19-20 That same power LIVES IN US. Let that sink in for a minute. The God who sustains all things by His powerful word DWELLS IN US. There is nothing easy about fostering. We can begin to feel completely tapped out- nothing left to give. All done now- please stop the ride. I want to get off. But we have everyth...

This post is part of a month-long series reflecting on truths of Who God is through the alphabet and what those truths mean to us in the midst of our foster care journey. You can find the whole series  here .  “Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Psalm 139:7-12 There is nowhere out of the reach of our omnipresent God- a child does not need to be in OUR home to be loved and reached by OUR God. Last night we sat at a banquet with other foster parents. We sat between two couples who are friends of ours but who did not ye...