One

On Monday our dreams came true. After nearly twenty years of talking and dreaming of adoption with my husband, after a five year fostering journey full of plot twists and joy and grief, after a year of riding a crazy ride of a case including such clear leading from the Lord and reassurance that she is our daughter and unexpected complications and even hiring a private attorney to fight for her   and nothing (NOTHING) seeming to go as planned... The gavel dropped. And it was done. People keep asking me how I feel. How do I feel? I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for five years holding on for dear life as this roller coaster ride threatened to tear me apart. I feel like if I really sit down and think about it all I might cry for three days out of relief and joy. But right now I’m still holding my breath out of habit. I told my big kids tonight how I was feeling- and oddly enough they get it even more than any adult I’ve talked to. They’ve walked it. “It’s like you fo...

Planning for the fall homeschool term. Feeling the same feelings I do every year and maybe I’m not the only one who needs a peptalk. You’re looking at this list and feeling overwhelmed. You’re thinking about how your plans never seem as pretty or picturesque or complete as those other moms. You’re wondering if you can do it. And you know what? You can’t. You cannot do this on your own. And the good news is that you don’t have to. God has given you everything you need to do what He has called you to do. You aren’t called to be that family on Instagram. You are called to be you- you, just obeying, empowered by the Holy Spirit, getting up every day and drinking all the coffee and doing the next thing and finding Him faithful. There is no perfect mom. No perfect education. But we have such a good and perfect God and He has not changed. So stop listening to the lies. He has entrusted you to mother and teach these kids in this season in this way. Trust Him. And do it. ...

Today our church family was challenged with the role of lament in our lives. We live in a Christian culture that doesn’t want to sit in the hard and uncomfortable reality of our broken world. The symphony of sadness that blends together both the rock-solid truth of Jesus’ triumph and power and ability and presence along with confusion and real questions and the struggle of living in the “now but n ot yet” state of the Kingdom. We don’t lament well. This afternoon we met Wonder Girl’s biological siblings for the first time. They were so sweet. NP played tag and talked football and we splashed in puddles while the sky dumped unbelievable amounts of rain down around the pavilion we sheltered under. The puddles became streams and then standing water covering our feet. It seemed like a fitting juxtaposition on what we hoped would be a beautiful sunny day. This is one of the sides of fostercare and adoption that nothing truly prepares you for. These children that have gone through all th...

Sometimes I wonder what this Easter-eve was like for Jesus' disciples. But, then I think the text doesn't need to spell it out for us- we already know. We all know the pain and confusion of when God's plans don't unfold in the simple and tidy way we imagined them. We know the strange numbness of grief when it seems as though time has stood still. And also the disorienting feeling of needing to carry on with life. They prepared spices and ointments- the only way they knew to show honor to their Jesus. And they rested on the Sabbath. It was the only thing they knew to do. What do we do when we find ourself in the still and quiet grief of Saturday- when the impossible has happened, and we don't see how God could possibly work this out for His glory and our good? We honor Jesus. We worship. We rest in Him. And we get ready for Him to do a new thing.  The new thing might not be tomorrow. Or next year. Or ten years from now. But we are the resurrection people. We have alr...

Thoughts from my car as I run errands. (Don’t worry. I’m parked.) Ladies, there’s been something on my mind for a long long time that has been simmering. It bubbles up in me every time I get an email from Christian book companies. Every time my work mailbox has yet another flyer about yet another new Bible study or yet another simulcast with the current Christian celebrity. Every time someone te lls me that they just “want to get their book into the hands of the women of our church.” (In other words- they want me as a women’s ministry director to use my influence to sell their book.) We are a huge market. We, Christian women who want to follow God, are the source of BIG MONEY. Books. Bible studies. Simulcasts. Conferences. Yet another study Bible edition with pretty flowers on the cover. I wonder how many millions of dollars get spent every year on these things. They aren’t bad things. God has used particular Bible studies and conferences to deeply impact certain points of my life....

Wandering through the science museum I catch my reflection. I’m surrounded by spinning spheres and flashing lights and sound experiments and I remember the mirror reflection of this exact week last year. In this exact place. Evidently we have a predictable pattern just like this mirror on the wall. I stood in this spot and talked to our social worker. I told her we were angry. Frustrated. Feelin g used. Baby Bear had been moved from our home with less than 2 hours notice the week before- I fought for that 2 hours. Bear’s worker had wanted to come in 30 minutes. I remember pacing through this dizzying place telling our worker how tired we were of this pattern of feeling used and overlooked by the county. OUR biological children were vulnerable too. OUR children were accumulating trauma and loss from the county’s repeated disregard. And I wanted to be done. Looking in this reflection I think of how broken and used my heart felt. And now I think of the story God is weaving one year la...

We've had so many rushed goodbyes in foster care. Scrambling to write letters and print pictures and get a new Jesus Storybook Bible to send with our little ones as one last way to tell them how deeply loved they were from day one, that we will pray for them as they grow, and that our deepest prayer is that they come to know our good King Jesus.  Today the tables are turned. Yesterday we scrambled to find a Bible and write a letter and print a picture- but it was for Wonder Girl's bio father's "goodbye visit." In this day of heartbreak it is all we can do- one way to tell him how deeply loved his daughter has been from day one, that we will pray for him as we watch her grow, and that our deepest prayer is that he find freedom and wholeness in our good King.  There is beauty and brokenness in foster care and adoption. After surrendering his right to fight the motion for permanent custody, her bio dad told us through tears at court yesterday, ...

You are not crazy. This system is legit crazy. I know this feels like war. It is. But the people involved are not your enemy. Our battle is not against flesh and blood. Do not lose sight of that and try to fight against ones who will bleed from the war just like you do. I know this feels out of control. It is not. Our God is the sovereign One who sits enthroned above the earth. Your times, her  times, are in His hands. Rest in His sovereignty and His goodness and His grace. When you rest, you can laugh, you can enjoy the good gifts your Father has given today. Gifts like holding her, right now. Feel the weight of her in your arms. She is a gift. The way she looks at you, the way she trusts you, look to Him and trust Him like that. I know this feels too much for you. It is. He did not design you to carry this weight alone. Do not try to make yourself seem bigger than you are- just rest in His bigness. Take one step at a time, knowing He is walking beside you and the mountains tr...

Christianity is a call to die. Jesus not only saves us from the penalty and power of sin, He also saves us from the presence of sin in an ongoing process of teaching us to die to self and find life in Him. Transformation begins with a root of fearing God- recognizing that He is worthy to rule and reign and have His way in my life. Fear of God leads to a deepening humility as I see Him rightly and then see myself rightly as the subject of my King. As I humble myself daily I learn to surrender- to crawl back on the altar as a living sacrifice, day by day. This continual self-sacrifice demands perseverance through a lifetime of unanswered questions and suffering and the high and costly call of true discipleship. And finally, transformation bears the fruit of true gratitude - the sacrifice of praise - contentment in His presence no matter our present circumstances. Following Jesus is not an easy path. It is a hard fight - a good fight. A hard and good and worthy journey. {Reflections f...

I’ve been listening to Eric Metaxas’ great book Seven Women and the Secret of Their Greatness. Last night as I listened to the chapter about Corrie Ten Boom, one of the accounts hit me deeply this week of Thanksgiving. Corrie and her sister had been moved into a different barracks at the German concentration camp where they were imprisoned for hiding Jews during WWII. They realized that not only  was the straw on the beds rancid, it was also infested with fleas. As Corrie struggled with anger at the continued cruel and dehumanizing treatment they were facing, her sister Betsie reminded her of the verse they had read and discussed that morning from their treasured smuggled Bible. “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18 It was God’s will for them to give thanks in all circumstances. Betsie challenged Corrie to give thanks for everything - including the fleas. Corrie struggled against this but eventually did ...